Maybe that's what it sounds like when "broken" begins to heal: laughter.
I was preoccupied, at best. Hyper-focused on making sure my 4 yr-old did not unintentionally become the star of someone else's show, I wasn't really paying attention to anything else! I paced nervously in the wings thinking to myself things like: "Will she walk? Or worse will she scream for me and throw her flowers?? Ugh, why is she so expressive?!"... You get the picture! :^) But just as my panic reached its peak-BOOM!? Or more specifically, DING-DONG. The loudest church bells imaginable sounded and I was instantly brought back to the moment... The moment!
This moment 32 years in the making.
We all know "that person", right? The person whose story captivates us and leaves us changed. For me that person is my "little" brother, William. "Will" is what is known as "tall, dark, and handsome". Towering over the rest of us he's 6' 2" and is larger than life in more than 1 way. Entertainingly funny and witty... His Pee-Wee Herman impression alone kept me in stitches most of '89! And tenacious, whew. I'm not sure I ever heard him take "No." for an answer the entire time we were growing up, seriously! Under "normal" circumstances my brother would've thrived. Given our parents a run for their money and probably many headaches, to be sure. But the Lord created him special. Capable of doing big things...
But we don't live in "normal". We live in broken...
From an early age we could tell things were going to be tough. You hear the phrase, "I did the best I could!" often used of parents and for our family I believe it. Unless you're a parent, I don't think you can really understand just how ill equipped you are to mold another human being. I understand now, which helps. But growing up in "broken" took its toll and we all suffered. I am 1 of 4 children born to my mom and dad. The only girl and 2nd oldest, I was often called upon to help look after my 2 younger brothers. We became close and I came to see them as the only real family I had. But a proper substitute for a mother, I was not. And as we got older things became more broken and eventually we all sought our own escape.
I vividly remember the day I realized our family was "different".
Sure many families have rebellious teens or unruly preteens. Kids that experiment with independence and test the bounds of their parents love.I have seen this in my own children!! But for us-we pushed with little to no "push-back". Having no arsenal of wisdom from which to draw our parents were unable to steer us away from the destruction we were running toward. And unfortunately, it was their dysfunction we were often running from.
It often felt like there was no place where we could find peace.
I have to stop here and mention The Light. I don't know if you grew up in "broken" or know someone who has, but one constant for us was The Light People. The people, I believe, the Lord brought into our lives to show us His Light. Some of them were related to us, others were not. Some I still know and love today. Others I couldn't even tell you their names! But one thing remains crystal clear to me today:
Out of His incredible love and mercy the Lord was there through them.
Unfortunately, the "broken" we experienced as children blinded us to that Love. And eventually that "broken" spilled over into our adulthood. I won't go into detail about the mistakes my brothers made or their individual stories. Those are theirs to tell. But I will say that we each lingered far too long in that "brokenness". Refusing or unable to accept the healing offered by God... But, I want to pause here and say something: Pain experienced in childhood is especially awful. Something happens inside of you when the first (and most important) people who are supposed to love and nurture you fail. It shapes the way you see and experience the World making it much harder to "move on" from. I see this in my and my brothers lives, as well as my own parents lives. We are generations of people living with "broken"...
But just as those bells broke-through my inner worry, God's Love broke-through our pain.
And in that moment-that incredible moment-there was healing, friends! I was suddenly aware of how far we each had come. How far the Lord had brought each us. You see, I had been so worried about the logistics involved with my part of the wedding that I was missing it. Honestly, I'm not sure what startled me more: the bells or the realization of the amazing restoration I was witnessing. I looked to the front of the church to see that "tall, dark, and handsome"; incredibly funny and witty; tenacious "little" brother of mine awaiting the arrival of his bride. A story of true redemption and restoration now his. And, standing next to him was my other "little" brother-now a husband & father. And next to him my own incredible husband and best friend.
As I stood there peace, gratitude and hope washed over me like the warmth of the summer sunshine.
I, of course, began to cry. And something inside of me smiled. I know that sounds strange-I "smiled inside". But that's the best way I can describe what I felt. I may have even laughed out loud! Maybe that's what it sounds like when "broken" begins to heal: laughter.
I want to leave you with a scripture that has been on my heart since that moment. The small taste of healing and restoration I experienced will one day be completed in Christ's return. You see, it is our faith in Jesus' death and resurrection and our hope in His return that has brought this healing and that has made this moment possible. Loving and praying with you all today!
I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.” And he also said, “It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega—the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life. All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children. Revelation 21:3-7
If I could talk, instead of choking back tears, I would say, well I would just say, that you are a remarkable women, wife, mother, sister, niece and friend! I love you so, so much!
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