As the dust finally settled: MY STORY OF LIFE AFTER SURVIVAL

I've always been fascinated by the concept and reality of phantom limb pain. If you are unfamiliar with this phenomenon Wikipedia describes it as, "...the sensation that an amputated or missing limb is still attached. Approximately 60 to 80% of individuals with an amputation experience phantom sensations in their amputated limb, and the majority of the sensations are painful." (emphasis mine). How the body can still "feel" something that is no longer present is amazing to me! And yet, as I begin to walk this post traumatic road I find myself subconsciously reaching for my own "amputated limb", of sorts. The "limb" to which I am referring - the part of me that has been "taken" or removed - is something called survival mode.

I realize that this is an imperfect analogy, of course. For starters, we longed for our "limb" to be cut off. For anyone currently or formerly residing in survival mode you know that it is a haphazard and often painful, way to live. So, being on the other side of it is obviously a good thing. And unlike those who suffer from phantom limb pain I do not need the "limb" that I have been separated from. Though, I often find myself longing for it. You see, while I was in survival mode I operated from a strictly needs basis. Whatever needed to get done, I did. We had no concern for the more frivolous things. And because I had such little hope, fear had no foothold. Of course, I had fear. I knew things could get worse but since they were already so bad - those fears were quiet. Barely making a difference in the way I lived. Having "lost" so much of what my life used to be, I often felt that I had nothing, or very little, to lose. However, similar to the phantom pain of an amputated limb, I continue to feel the effects of living in "survival mode" - though we no longer are.

It has been 7 months since the Lord began healing our family. 7 months since I, and eventually Andrew, turned to our Lord and asked that He begin to work more powerfully in us. That He help us find a way out of survival mode. And that He would do this, even if our circumstances were not to change. And friends, He was faithful! We have since come a long way. I would describe the present state of our family as thriving. Not perfect, obviously, but flourishing, none the less. There is a peace in our home that did not exist, or at least was not felt - for almost 2 years. And yet, I continue to be unable to shake that feeling. I walk these halls and I still sense the pain here. I can almost hear the cries of frustration and discomfort. Though the nights have quieted and the discomfort has been managed - I am left with a fear that things may one day return to that dark hour. Or worse - that our battles were merely training for a much bigger, darker war.

I wrestle with these thoughts and fears in the predawn hours when, for me, my God is easy to be found. I confess to Him that, though I am grateful for the insights and freedoms that have come from walking this road - I do not long for this path again. I am also surprised by how quickly I move from a posture of humility to a posture of pride - swinging like a pendulum - almost on a moment-by-moment basis. Will I return to my former self? Will this new mold "take" or will I force myself back to my old form once the flames from the fire of trial have been extinguished? Will it all be for not? These years wasted? I struggle with being grateful for all that has been revealed, but also with fear because - it hurt. I pray for mercy and then try to brace for its impact. I trust my God but still rely too heavily on myself.

Though this is a daily struggle for me, I have hope. My God has been drawing me to Himself daily and gently reminding me that, He is good. My prayer today is this: Lord, remind me of Your provision. Lead me with Your voice. Move me to my knees so that I may come to recognize that there is not one breath taken outside of Your divine will. Every tear carefully allowed - agonized over - to be Your best plan for me. Help me in my fear and lack of faith. Help me to see that You are the Author and Sustainer of life. And that it is You, Who holds us up when we can no longer stand. And though we are now standing - it is still You, Who "holds all creation together".

Christ is the visible image of the invisible God. He existed before anything was created and is supreme over all creation, for through him God created everything in the heavenly realms and on earth. He made the things we can see and the things we can't see - such as thrones, kingdoms, rulers, and authorities in the unseen world. Everything was created through him and for him. He existed before anything else, and he holds all creation together. Christ is the head of the church, which is his body. He is the beginning, supreme over all who rise from the dead. So he is first in everything. For God in his fullness was pleased to live in Christ, and through Him God reconciled everything to himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of Christ's blood on the cross. Colossians 1:15-20

Loving and praying for you all, today!

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