"Well, that's a loaded question..."

So, I have this reoccurring nightmare: I'm standing at the top of a very steep stairway-almost like bleachers. There's no railing and I am desperate to get to my children who are, for some unknown reason, in danger at the bottom. But, no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to get my footing or balance & almost always end-up head over heels careening down the stairs-unable to save my children. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Intense psychological help!", right?! ;)  

Well, this dream or rather-nightmare, is what kept coming to mind as I began a new book this week. Sacred Rythms by Ruth Haley Barton: "Arranging our lives for Spiritual Transformation". It begins with the author taking an honest look at her own burn-out in "The Church" and in life. How filling our lives with more is leaving us increasingly empty. And how, if we honestly look at ourselves, we will find an ever increasing un-quenched thirst for more of GOD. And, it is in Chapter 1 that it all begins to unravel for me...

She includes in this chapter a narrative about a blind man named, Bartimaeus. Here is that passage:

Then they reached Jericho, and as Jesus and his disciples left town, a large crowd followed him. A blind beggar named Bartimaeus (son of Timaeus) was sitting beside the road. 47 When Bartimaeus heard that Jesus of Nazareth was nearby, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”  “Be quiet!” many of the people yelled at him. But he only shouted louder, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” When Jesus heard him, he stopped and said, “Tell him to come here.” So they called the blind man. “Cheer up,” they said. “Come on, he’s calling you!” Bartimaeus threw aside his coat, jumped up, and came to Jesus.  “What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked. “My rabbi,” the blind man said, “I want to see!” And Jesus said to him, “Go, for your faith has healed you.” Instantly the man could see, and he followed Jesus down the road. Mark 10:46-52

And here is her narrative:

We don't know how long Bartimeaus had been spending  his days begging by the side of the road, but on this particular day Bartimeaus heard Jesus was passing by, and he had a sense of new spiritual possiblility. Perhaps Jesus could do something for him that no one else had been able to do. Perhaps Jesus could do what he had been hoping for and dreaming of for so long. 

But it was noisy and crowded in the city that day and it would be hard to get anyone's attention, let alone someone as busy and important as this popular young teacher, who was always, it seemed surrounded by disciples and questioners. In order to get Jesus' attention above the din of the crowd, Bartimeaus had to reach deep within, touch that place of fundamental human need and desire, and cry out from that place, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!"

And Jesus heard him that day, above all the other voices that were clamoring for his attention. The honesty, the desperation, the humanness of the cry was completely arresting. The people around him were embarrassed by such an honest expression of need and tried to silence him, but Bartimeaus's soul cry so captured Jesus' attention that it stopped him in his tracks. He stood still in the middle of the road and summoned Bartimeaus to himself. As they stood face to face, Jesus asked the question that required Bartimeaus to name his desire: "What do you want me to do for you?" (Pages 23-24) 

And, that is where it all began to "come together" for me. You see, I've been experiencing a little burn-out of my own lately-with life. Don't get me wrong! I am beyond grateful for the increasing and immeasurable blessings I have and do receive daily. But no mater how wonderful or how full-filling my life has become, I am still left longing for more... And it is here, in the realization of that longing, that the author prompts us to imagine Jesus asking that most loaded question: "What do you want me to do for you?"

I'll be honest, my initial response was one of skepticism. I'm not going to ask Jesus to do anything for me!? He has already done-well, everything, right?! But, then I felt something. A little nagging, like a tug at my heart. A tiny voice that said, "But you do want something...". And, before I knew it, I was crying. And, I sat there crying, completely floored by this tidal wave of emotion. And, I began to realize that the desire-no, the longing for more of my Lord had been the driving force behind everything I had ever done.

OK. So, back to that nightmare and that really steep staircase. As I've begun to wrestle with this question: What do you want me to do for you?, I feel as if I'm attempting to navigate my way down the stairs in the picture at the top of this post. I want to get to my destination but, it seems so overwhelming and honestly-way too hard. But, I can't turn around and go back up either. So, here I stand: paralyzed. 

I didn't mention in the description of my nightmare how I eventually end up at the bottom. As I'm tumbling down-something almost always stops me. And, I am righted. But, my problem is still the same: steep stairs, no handrails and no balance. And as I continue to assess my precarious situation I feel a peace come over me and I hear a voice say, "Close your eyes.". Now, I don't know about you but, closing my eyes is NOT part of my game plan here!? That's about all I've got in a situation like this: my ability to see! But, realizing I've got no other option, I do close my eyes. And, the most amazing thing happens when I open them: I am at the bottom. 

Starting this journey is scary. What if I declare my desires to God and he does nothing? Even worse: what if he does something?! What if I unlock this place of deep longing and God is unable to fulfill those desires? I mean, does he really desire to fulfill me? 

So, my prayer today is this: Lord, help me to name my desires honestly before you. And, then help me to see that it was You who created this desire within me. And, that it is You who will navigate me "down those stairs"... I only need close my eyes and take hold of You.    

Loving and praying for you all today.