I am His. And He is good.

All I keep thinking is: We had 4 days. 4 days! Now, I know 4 days isn't much. There's not much you can even do in 4 days. And yet that's all it took for things to flip. To turn upside down...

But we obeyed!?

It only took 2 weeks to find out God had honored his request. We had felt called to add to our family of 5 and we had obeyed. After 3 years of struggle with our daughter's health a 4th child was not something we wanted to consider. We were finally getting our feet under us and her latest treatment was beginning to show signs of long-term relief. Add to our family, now? I just wanted a vacation! And I'm not talking metaphorically, either. I wanted my toes in the sand, sun on my face and waves on the shore. I was ready for a break. But, we both knew the Lord was calling us to be open and willing and try for another child. And two weeks later there were those two lines...

Something happens in me when I am aware of being smack dab in the middle of God's will. For a brief moment I feel a tiny sense of what it must have been like to truly walk with God. Face-to-face. His hand on my shoulder. Just walking and talking. There is such a sense of security and peace. It is perfection. We felt confident this is what God wanted. We had obeyed the "call" and God had blessed us with this new life. And for 4 beautiful days we lived in that confidence.

And then there was Thursday...

I spent most of Thursday preparing for my mom's upcoming visit. Dirty toilets, clean laundry and the "unknown number" filled my brain so much of the day is a blur. I finally collapsed on the couch around 3 ready to relax when I felt something wasn't "right". I didn't cramp this much with the others. Did I? I can never remember. It'll be fine. But a trip to the "water closet" 30 minutes later and my heart sank. I was right. And something was wrong. A third test (and a fourth and fifth) confirmed what I had already suspected. I was no longer pregnant.

Shocked is about the only way I can describe my feelings. I sat there for a moment. Just silent. Of course, I wasn't silent for long. I may have prayed something like: But we didn't want this, God. Remember? We were fine! (There's that word again!?) YOU called us to this! For what? For this? I mean... why? But something happened in that moment. In my anger and my pain God spoke. And I heard him say...

"You are mine. And I am good."

My God knows me. He knows my heart and he knows my head. And, most importantly, he loves me. He knows that my two biggest fears are: Do I really belong to You? and Can I really trust You?. And in those 2 simple phrases: "You are mine. And I am good.", He had spoken to my biggest insecurities. You see friends, I am beginning to learn that I can walk through whatever He leads me to-as long as He's with me. I do belong to Him. And He is trustworthy. I may never know why He led us here. And we may never bring a fourth child into our home. But (again, don't kill me here) friends, walking with the Lord like this? It is everything.

I want to leave you with a passage the Lord brought to me yesterday morning... with one caveat. These are the words my God had for me. I am not saying this "thing" that happened was a punishment or judgment or something my God did to harm me. I KNOW that is not true. But what I also know to be true is that my God led me to this. And that he is leading me through it. From the outside it may look like my God despises me. Why lead us to something He knows will end badly? Why take us there at all? Why entice us with thoughts of blessing only to deliver pain? The Lord is still revealing his truths to me on this one. But what I can say with confidence is this: He is speaking. And He is near. And guys, there is nothing more blessed, nothing more beautiful than the nearness and words of our God.

Peace has been stripped away, and I have forgotten what prosperity is.
I cry out, "My splendor is gone! Everything I had hoped for from the LORD is lost!"
The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words.
I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss.
Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this:

The faithful love of the LORD never ends! 
His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness; 
his mercies begin afresh each morning.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my inheritance; 
therefore, I will hope in him!"

The LORD is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him.
So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the LORD.
And it is good for people to submit at an early age to the yoke of his discipline:
Let them sit alone in silence beneath the LORD'S demands
Let them lie face down in the dust, for there may be hope at last.
Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them and accept the insults of their enemies.

For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. 
Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
because of the greatness of his unfailing love.

Lamentations 3:17-32 (NLT)
 Loving and praying for you all today!


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