Realist? Table for one...
I am going to make a rather alarming confession: I've never been an "optimist".
There I said it. And, I prefer "realist" over "pessimist" because I do not assume bad things will happen. They just, often times, do. Now, were I to ignore this pattern or likelihood of things I would feel foolish. Therefore, not wanting to appear foolish, I am a realist.
I am sure this way of thinking stems from a childhood rather splattered with unfortunates. For example: It was unfortunate my parents discovered far too late that they were not "right" for each other. Thus resulting in a divorce after 4 children and 12 years. Or that stress-overwhelming, crushing stress-often plays out in the most unhealthy of ways. Often resulting in harm to those most innocent or vulnerable around us. Unfortunate. Or that time in the 4th grade, when I went to 3 different schools. Or later, went to visit my brother in a psychiatric facility. Or when I (barely) graduated from high school and my Dad declined the invitation to attend my graduation ceremony.
Unfortunate.
I do not share these things to illicit feelings of pity or to make you "feel" anything, really. To me they are facts. Proof that things, more often than not, go wrong. Of course, with my head I know how terrible and jaded that sounds. I am a follower of Christ and have spent the better part (All??) of the last 3 days reading books on how the Lord redeems us and our circumstances. And I believe it, too! I know it. I've experienced it. But sometimes... Sometimes it's just hard to feel it.
Like, when I realize my 5 1/2 year has no friends because her skin condition has ravaged her to the point of isolation. Or when I find myself yelling at her to, "Just stop scratching, please!" because I can't stand to see the pain she causes herself by scratching and biting her skin bloody. But know how confused she must be because the itch is unbearable and scratching her only (if not temporary) relief. Or when I scream at my husband, within earshot of my children, that parenting is, "Killing me!?" because, well, it just might be the hardest thing I've ever done. And let's not forget those broken relationships from my childhood. Most have been redeemed but there are others, several others, that have not. And, if I'm being honest, I find myself wondering...
Where is my rescue?
My redemption.
I recently remarked to a group of friends that, after our recent early miscarriage, I was struggling with anger. And after reading the above paragraphs, I'm not surprised! But maybe I am. Maybe I should be. You see, the above paragraph left out several details. Like how my 5 1/2 year may have no friends but she has an amazing older brother who (most of the time) treats her with love and compassion. Or how learning how to "not scratch" when she has such an uncontrollable urge to, is teaching her about self-control. And, I'm sure I don't have to mention how this job of parenting these children is doing wonders for my selfishness and pride! (Which, honestly, sucks but is so necessary!) Or how having broken relationships has taught me about forgiveness, reconciliation, and unconditional love-like little other could.
While asking for prayer recently, I commented that I was, "Grateful for the many mercies the Lord has given us...". And, I meant it. I mean it. The Lord has been merciful and this I know. And He will redeem even these very hard things. But, I think it's OK if I don't feel it right now. Maybe tomorrow. Or next week. Or next month.
Right now, it's still hard.
Does that make me an optimist? Believing (really knowing) that one day God will redeem all of this? I'm not sure. I think I still prefer realist. Because, I know my God is real. And, I remember that He redeemed my life from ruin. (That's another post for another time...) And, He has told me that I belong to Him. So, I will wait. I will choose to run to Him in my anger. In my desperation. In my sorrow. I will share all of my losses with Him and trust in Him. Truly trust Him. Because, if I'm honest, "To whom would (I) go?".
I want to leave you with a verse. The verse the Lord gave me all those years ago when I chose to believe. And a prayer: Lord, help us in our anger. In our sadness. In our desperation. Help us to see the mercies. Not so we'll "get over it" or "feel better" but so we can "... Take heart" knowing that You, "Have overcome the world."
There I said it. And, I prefer "realist" over "pessimist" because I do not assume bad things will happen. They just, often times, do. Now, were I to ignore this pattern or likelihood of things I would feel foolish. Therefore, not wanting to appear foolish, I am a realist.
I am sure this way of thinking stems from a childhood rather splattered with unfortunates. For example: It was unfortunate my parents discovered far too late that they were not "right" for each other. Thus resulting in a divorce after 4 children and 12 years. Or that stress-overwhelming, crushing stress-often plays out in the most unhealthy of ways. Often resulting in harm to those most innocent or vulnerable around us. Unfortunate. Or that time in the 4th grade, when I went to 3 different schools. Or later, went to visit my brother in a psychiatric facility. Or when I (barely) graduated from high school and my Dad declined the invitation to attend my graduation ceremony.
Unfortunate.
I do not share these things to illicit feelings of pity or to make you "feel" anything, really. To me they are facts. Proof that things, more often than not, go wrong. Of course, with my head I know how terrible and jaded that sounds. I am a follower of Christ and have spent the better part (All??) of the last 3 days reading books on how the Lord redeems us and our circumstances. And I believe it, too! I know it. I've experienced it. But sometimes... Sometimes it's just hard to feel it.
Like, when I realize my 5 1/2 year has no friends because her skin condition has ravaged her to the point of isolation. Or when I find myself yelling at her to, "Just stop scratching, please!" because I can't stand to see the pain she causes herself by scratching and biting her skin bloody. But know how confused she must be because the itch is unbearable and scratching her only (if not temporary) relief. Or when I scream at my husband, within earshot of my children, that parenting is, "Killing me!?" because, well, it just might be the hardest thing I've ever done. And let's not forget those broken relationships from my childhood. Most have been redeemed but there are others, several others, that have not. And, if I'm being honest, I find myself wondering...
Where is my rescue?
My redemption.
I recently remarked to a group of friends that, after our recent early miscarriage, I was struggling with anger. And after reading the above paragraphs, I'm not surprised! But maybe I am. Maybe I should be. You see, the above paragraph left out several details. Like how my 5 1/2 year may have no friends but she has an amazing older brother who (most of the time) treats her with love and compassion. Or how learning how to "not scratch" when she has such an uncontrollable urge to, is teaching her about self-control. And, I'm sure I don't have to mention how this job of parenting these children is doing wonders for my selfishness and pride! (Which, honestly, sucks but is so necessary!) Or how having broken relationships has taught me about forgiveness, reconciliation, and unconditional love-like little other could.
While asking for prayer recently, I commented that I was, "Grateful for the many mercies the Lord has given us...". And, I meant it. I mean it. The Lord has been merciful and this I know. And He will redeem even these very hard things. But, I think it's OK if I don't feel it right now. Maybe tomorrow. Or next week. Or next month.
Right now, it's still hard.
Does that make me an optimist? Believing (really knowing) that one day God will redeem all of this? I'm not sure. I think I still prefer realist. Because, I know my God is real. And, I remember that He redeemed my life from ruin. (That's another post for another time...) And, He has told me that I belong to Him. So, I will wait. I will choose to run to Him in my anger. In my desperation. In my sorrow. I will share all of my losses with Him and trust in Him. Truly trust Him. Because, if I'm honest, "To whom would (I) go?".
From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.
"You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked the Twelve.
Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God." John 6:66-69 (NIV)
I want to leave you with a verse. The verse the Lord gave me all those years ago when I chose to believe. And a prayer: Lord, help us in our anger. In our sadness. In our desperation. Help us to see the mercies. Not so we'll "get over it" or "feel better" but so we can "... Take heart" knowing that You, "Have overcome the world."
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33 (NIV)Loving and praying for you all, today!
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