"When striving ceased": MY STORY OF TRIUMPHANT FAILURE

There have been days that define me. Days that rock my understanding of who I am or rather who I think I am - and forever change the definition of ME. This is the story of one such day. In the spirit of full disclosure, this "day" was only 2 days ago. I have no idea if this re-definition will "take" or if it will fade as time passes. What I do know is this: I have been changed...

From my position on the bed, everything was sideways - just slightly "off". As each new tear filled and then fell, my vision would cloud and then clear. Huh, I sighed, how appropriate. I could hear "them" (my children) playing now, so nicely. Which oddly, I felt, only proved my incompetence. Lying there I felt broken. Lost. And utterly invisible. 

The day had started normal enough - where it veered off course, I can't recall. But as I flew off the rails I knew I would never see my role, my identity - the same again. When things first began to get frantic, I pushed against it. You can handle this, I told myself, They're just kids. BE the adult! But as the dominos of defiance, disobedience, and downright meanness fell - I came undone. I wonder if every mother has their moment of undoing. When they look hard at their utterly unlovable yet unbearably beloved children and wonder, "Why?".

Why am I doing all of this? Why?
When it seems to make no difference? Why?
When no ones seems to see all that you are doing right? Why?
When all the world seems to see is what you are doing wrong?

Why?

For me, my undoing was swift. Or not. Maybe the stress snuck-up and caught me half-drowned already. However the moment found me, it undid me. I don't often feel defeated. Helpless, yes. Discouraged, absolutely. Defeated, not often. But in that moment all I could think was, I'm done. I gave it all I had and I'm done. I'm ruining them. I give them all I've got but it's not enough. I'm not enough. Hiding in my room, afraid to face the world - I felt like a true failure. The only thing I had ever cared enough to really try at - had proven to be my biggest failure. 

And yet, He still loved me. My God still loved me. He knew of my epic failure BEFORE He called me to be His child - and He called me anyway! He knew I would have this moment of utter undoing but called me to motherhood - anyway. What did it mean? Perhaps to fail, to fall isn't the actual tragedy? Perhaps to give-up, to throw it all in, to remain undone - is the real failure. 

As I wiped my eyes dry I sat up - the world no longer sideways. He'd spoken to me about this before, hadn't He? We'd been here before, hadn't we? There's that place on the ceiling - where the wall and the roof meet - where I'd looked in despair and He'd met me. My own "remembering stone". We'd walked through the fire - and come out refined. I'd make it through this fire, too. He'd make sure of it. 

The day I came undone proved to be the day my Lord began to heal me. Lies had burrowed deep into my heart and from there had begun to poison it all. You see, I still believed my greatest strength, my "best" came from within me. That the harder I tried the more capable I would become. That I could and even should be enough - for them all. But as this lie was revealed, I began to see that my strength came from my weakness. From my dependence on the only One Who is truly more than enough. On my Lord. And that this moment, my moment of utter undoing, was actually my moment of greatest triumph... or at the very least a great victory. 

I don't know where you find yourself reading this today. I pray that you are resting in God's grace and that you know beyond any doubt that our Lord is the "enough" you need and long for. I pray you've come to your moment of undoing and have ceased trying to be it all for them all - even (and especially?) yourself. Because this is Truth, friends.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Loving and praying for you all today!