And so I wrestled with the thing...
I often find myself nostalgic. I don't know if this is a feeling common to all but for me it happens quite frequently. It is often "out of nowhere", as is the phrase. Of course, it is coming from somewhere but I know not the origin. It hits me like a ton of bricks and I lament the passing of time or "the good ole days". As I sit to write this I have a twinge for the days gone by when I could write with authority. As someone who is confident in their position. As someone not laying face down...
You see-I have been knocked down.
In my post yesterday I wrote that I would elaborate on these lessons I've been learning this year. One thing I have come to realize is that I am a slow learner. Ha! Most people I find do not need to learn a lesson 3 or 4 times in order to know the thing. For me, however, learning is slow and comes in stages. This process of dying to myself is hard. I find that of all of the lessons I have learned over my 35 years this is the one I have the hardest time with. My head and my heart seem to differ on how best to die to myself. My head will relent control as long as my pride and dignity may remain intact. My heart is ready to jump in at full speed... as long as I can be assured of emotional and physical security.
And so I wrestled with the thing.
But God is good! I will say it often to remind myself this struggle is not in vain. The ultimate prize is far greater than anything I could give up or lose. But-to the lesson! I mention the concept of dieing to self. All this means is that I die to my own desires and wants and instead follow after Jesus. Obeying His will for my life. Doing as He did. Living out a life devoted to Him. Not myself. Yep-that's all. Ha! I'm going to be extremely transparent here and say that at one point I was arrogant enough to think this was not a struggle for me. What I didn't realize was that placing conditions on my obedience and submission was neither obedient nor submissive.
I spat in the face of God whilst singing his praises.
It's a graphic picture but it is meant to be brutally honest. I would claim to honor God with my life all while holding back my heart. Imagine that! Walking with the Lord in deed yet harboring resentment and bitterness-toward Him-in my heart. I was angry His plan for me was not more "grand". I was bitter that I was watching my child suffer. That I had to hear her scream in pain-always restless from it. Rarely at peace in her own body... Outraged that others lived with relative ease-in what seemed His good graces. I was hurt.
And so I wrestled with the thing.
I wrestled and screamed (metaphorically, of course) until there was nothing left. And then I got quiet. I remember feeling quite defeated. Rather broken. And my soul ached. And that's when I felt God say, "OK. Now I will move." I was stunned. For so many days, nights, weeks, even years I had prayed for my God to move. I had cried out to Him time after time and all I heard back was, "Be still.". I'm sorry, huh? "Be still"?? I could think of about a thousand things that I was-none of them even remotely close to still! And yet I knew in my heart if I would only stop fighting He would move.
And move He has.
All the while I was praying and hoping and begging for my God to move I could only see my circumstance. All I could see was that my child was suffering. I was suffering. My family was suffering. And nothing was being done. It was not wrong for me to pray for healing for my daughter. I truly believe my God wants to heal her! But (and don't shoot me for this) there is something of much greater value to be gained here. I was unwilling to suffer for my God. Period. I wish I could add a few other "periods" here because that is just how resolute I was in this. Take my money? Sure, just leave me my pride and dignity. (Try that one!) Take my career? Sure, just leave me with a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. Humble me? Okay, but not too much and let me look super godly in the process. Let me suffer... just don't make it hurt...
I am still wrestling with the thing.
I have been broken. I am stubborn and think far too much of myself. But God, in his infinite grace, is teaching me. And I am learning something with infinite value. My God loves me and he is jealous for me. Typing those words humbles me, excites me, fills me with awe, and brings me to tears. My God wants me follow Him willingly. And my God wants all of me. Not just the parts I'm willing to give Him. Or give Him on condition. All of me. He wants me to know that knowing Him-truly knowing Him-is everything. It's everything I was created for. Everything I need. Everything I want. Simply everything.
I hope to write more in the future about this journey. If I don't you'll know God has other plans. Ha! But I want to leave you with Paul's words. I'm sure you've heard them many times but I pray you would let them fall on you anew. God is not satisfied with our leftovers or our conditions. He'll let us go for a time. But He's relentless and thankfully for me-He will have us in the end!
You see-I have been knocked down.
In my post yesterday I wrote that I would elaborate on these lessons I've been learning this year. One thing I have come to realize is that I am a slow learner. Ha! Most people I find do not need to learn a lesson 3 or 4 times in order to know the thing. For me, however, learning is slow and comes in stages. This process of dying to myself is hard. I find that of all of the lessons I have learned over my 35 years this is the one I have the hardest time with. My head and my heart seem to differ on how best to die to myself. My head will relent control as long as my pride and dignity may remain intact. My heart is ready to jump in at full speed... as long as I can be assured of emotional and physical security.
And so I wrestled with the thing.
But God is good! I will say it often to remind myself this struggle is not in vain. The ultimate prize is far greater than anything I could give up or lose. But-to the lesson! I mention the concept of dieing to self. All this means is that I die to my own desires and wants and instead follow after Jesus. Obeying His will for my life. Doing as He did. Living out a life devoted to Him. Not myself. Yep-that's all. Ha! I'm going to be extremely transparent here and say that at one point I was arrogant enough to think this was not a struggle for me. What I didn't realize was that placing conditions on my obedience and submission was neither obedient nor submissive.
I spat in the face of God whilst singing his praises.
It's a graphic picture but it is meant to be brutally honest. I would claim to honor God with my life all while holding back my heart. Imagine that! Walking with the Lord in deed yet harboring resentment and bitterness-toward Him-in my heart. I was angry His plan for me was not more "grand". I was bitter that I was watching my child suffer. That I had to hear her scream in pain-always restless from it. Rarely at peace in her own body... Outraged that others lived with relative ease-in what seemed His good graces. I was hurt.
And so I wrestled with the thing.
I wrestled and screamed (metaphorically, of course) until there was nothing left. And then I got quiet. I remember feeling quite defeated. Rather broken. And my soul ached. And that's when I felt God say, "OK. Now I will move." I was stunned. For so many days, nights, weeks, even years I had prayed for my God to move. I had cried out to Him time after time and all I heard back was, "Be still.". I'm sorry, huh? "Be still"?? I could think of about a thousand things that I was-none of them even remotely close to still! And yet I knew in my heart if I would only stop fighting He would move.
And move He has.
All the while I was praying and hoping and begging for my God to move I could only see my circumstance. All I could see was that my child was suffering. I was suffering. My family was suffering. And nothing was being done. It was not wrong for me to pray for healing for my daughter. I truly believe my God wants to heal her! But (and don't shoot me for this) there is something of much greater value to be gained here. I was unwilling to suffer for my God. Period. I wish I could add a few other "periods" here because that is just how resolute I was in this. Take my money? Sure, just leave me my pride and dignity. (Try that one!) Take my career? Sure, just leave me with a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. Humble me? Okay, but not too much and let me look super godly in the process. Let me suffer... just don't make it hurt...
I am still wrestling with the thing.
I have been broken. I am stubborn and think far too much of myself. But God, in his infinite grace, is teaching me. And I am learning something with infinite value. My God loves me and he is jealous for me. Typing those words humbles me, excites me, fills me with awe, and brings me to tears. My God wants me follow Him willingly. And my God wants all of me. Not just the parts I'm willing to give Him. Or give Him on condition. All of me. He wants me to know that knowing Him-truly knowing Him-is everything. It's everything I was created for. Everything I need. Everything I want. Simply everything.
I hope to write more in the future about this journey. If I don't you'll know God has other plans. Ha! But I want to leave you with Paul's words. I'm sure you've heard them many times but I pray you would let them fall on you anew. God is not satisfied with our leftovers or our conditions. He'll let us go for a time. But He's relentless and thankfully for me-He will have us in the end!
I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead! Philippians 4:7-11 (NLT)Loving and praying for you all today!
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