"Life is like a"... mixed tape? or MY BACKSTORY
Here's something you probably will not hear everyday: I yearn to know your backstory.
Seriously. If we've met that was probably the first thing on my mind.Where did you come from? How did you get here? Who and what gave you those laugh lines or those dark eyes? What roads have you walk? Oh sure, I (hopefully) waited the polite amount of time before delving into your past. But know if I didn't ask-I really wanted to!
A backstory, if you are unfamiliar, is (according to Wikipedia, in part): "..the history of characters and other elements that underlie the situation existing at the main narrative's start.". You see, what always fascinates me about people is that they are a compilation of different events. A mixed tape, if you will, of the most significant "songs" of their life. My "mixed tape" might include a little Sandy Patti along with Bon Jovi after which would follow a little Bone Thugs. Ha! I've walked many different roads on this journey. And, everything I've seen has shaped me. And, I'm guessing you are no different.
That is why you fascinate me. Well, I thought I would take the opportunity to give you a bit of my backstory. I've shared bits and pieces of me here on this blog. But I've never "played" you my mixed tape, so to speak. I will attempt to do this briefly, as I have found that often times fewer words are easier to digest. And then attempt to go back occasionally to hit the highlights later-on in greater detail. But for now I'll start at the beginning with the single most important and magnificent fact about me:
I am a Texan by birth... and by the grace of God!
I remembered reading that somewhere and I thought it quite appropriate. We Texans tend to be rather enamored with our heritage. But come on, can you blame us? I'm only teasing but it is a major part of who I am today. I am the second oldest, of 4, born to my mother and father. The only girl-I was born to stick out! Part little sister, part big-I was always confused about which role to play. Much of my early life is a blur to me. I'm never sure if I am actually in possession of a memory or have just seen the Polaroid. This haze that covers most of my pre-7 year old life is probably a blessing, as I am told things were difficult. 7 is where I "pick-up" in the story of my life. Recently separated, my mom relocated us from Indiana back to Texas to be closer to her family. If I had to describe this time in my life in a couple of words they would be:
desperately lonely.
It was the first time that I would feel truly alone. And, unfortunately not the last. Alone, I often cried myself to sleep only to awake halfway through the night to find I was still alone. Repeating the process until morning. I think these years changed me. I cannot be sure as, again, I do not remember much from my early days. But, I feel different when I return to my dad, in Indiana, to begin the first of many years spent bouncing back and forth between two worlds. This year is uneventful for me, a good thing, of course. And at its end the hope of a new life and love, for my mom, would call us, literally, across the country to California. I find California strangely inspiring. I say "strangely" because at 9 I'm not sure what I was being inspired to. But inspired I am and things seem to take an oddly positive turn. I begin to write for the first time and develop a love for reading. This is also the last place, in my youth, anyone will tell me I am smart. Ultimately, the positive turn "rights" itself and after the hope of love fails we are on our way back to Texas to, again, be closer to family. If I had to describe this time in my life in a couple of words they would be:
utter confusion.
I am confused because California felt like a tease. I had tasted a life that was "inspiring" only to be left with a life that was, at the time, anything but. Confused because I knew there was a God (I was 99% sure) and I was pretty sure He didn't like me. Although, I am not quite sure what I have done wrong. Returning to Texas is hard. There is, literally, no place for us and we drift. We continue to "drift" for about a year until illness sends us back to Indiana. This stay in the "Hoosier State" is the longest stretch I have experienced in one place, thus far. 4 years of the same friends, the same school, the same church, even the same local library! For the first time, I find comfort in the familiar. Unfortunately, "familiar" is not enough to keep out broken and ultimately these years in Indiana prove to be some of my darkest. For the first time, I contemplate suicide as my life seems hopeless, to me. And, I give away precious pieces of my heart and body at the desperately young age of 13. Again, if I had to describe this time in my life it would be:
hopelessly broken.
15 brought me back to Texas, my final move as a child. I attend 3 different High Schools and barely manage to graduate. These years are marked by my searching for anything and everything that would make me feel loved. But, I want to stop here to backtrack a little. Although I haven't mentioned Him but one time, God has been a theme throughout this whole story. I grew-up in the church, so I knew that the Bible told me He loved me. I just wasn't sure I could believe it. I can remember being so conflicted and really wrestling with this thought. I would stare at the vastness and beauty of the Texas night sky and feel something wonderful. But then look at my life and how tortured my family seemed to be and doubt the love of anyone. Much less a God so far away and invisible. This destructive pattern of distrust would continue to weave its way into everything in my life and is still a struggle for me today. 18 saw me out on my own, truly on my own, for the first time. This is also the year that I am able to recognize the Lord's love for me, in the eyes of one of His followers. And it begins a stirring and questioning within me. If I had to describe these years in a couple of words I'd say:
desperately seeking.
Unfortunately (or fortunately?), it was the next 2 years that proved my undoing. Drunk or high most of the time, many of my memories are, again, hazy. But, I do remember the utter sadness that followed me everywhere I went. I, honestly, think that's what all the drinking and drugs were about. Trying to escape this undertow of hopelessness. I made ruthlessly devastating choices that will forever be with me. But, no matter how hard I tried to outrun or outmaneuver Him, my God found me at 20. At the end of myself for the first (not the last) time I relented. At last, coming to the conclusion that the One I had been desperately searching for was there all along. For years I had been blaming Him and others for the awful state my life was in. But now, well, now I had no one to blame but myself. I looked around acknowledging all of the destruction brought about by my own hand... and I stood convicted.
In late Summer of 2001 I made my final journey from Texas to Indiana, to be with my dad. That morning I awoke with my last hangover and smoked my final cigarette. From that day to this the Lord has removed these addictions from me. Knowing how hard some struggle with these I am forever grateful for the mercy shown me by my God. These years in Indiana are hard fought. "Weeding the bed" of my soul is no easy task and I struggle with understanding why God brought me to a place of such pain. But, His perfect plan includes meeting my husband and repairing something I thought un-repairable: my relationship with my Dad and his family... my family.
In the years since God began His work in me I've fallen more times than I can count. I've wanted to turn back and almost have many times. But, by God's grace, I've continued. It strikes me as funny, now, that the thing that most keeps me "here" (walking with the Lord) is God's love for me. The thing I so doubted and wrestled with as a child is the thing I am the most sure of in life. I want to leave you with a two of verses I am almost sure you've read. Read them again. Believe them again. They are true, friends. And they have changed and saved my life.
Loving and praying for you all today!
Seriously. If we've met that was probably the first thing on my mind.Where did you come from? How did you get here? Who and what gave you those laugh lines or those dark eyes? What roads have you walk? Oh sure, I (hopefully) waited the polite amount of time before delving into your past. But know if I didn't ask-I really wanted to!
A backstory, if you are unfamiliar, is (according to Wikipedia, in part): "..the history of characters and other elements that underlie the situation existing at the main narrative's start.". You see, what always fascinates me about people is that they are a compilation of different events. A mixed tape, if you will, of the most significant "songs" of their life. My "mixed tape" might include a little Sandy Patti along with Bon Jovi after which would follow a little Bone Thugs. Ha! I've walked many different roads on this journey. And, everything I've seen has shaped me. And, I'm guessing you are no different.
That is why you fascinate me. Well, I thought I would take the opportunity to give you a bit of my backstory. I've shared bits and pieces of me here on this blog. But I've never "played" you my mixed tape, so to speak. I will attempt to do this briefly, as I have found that often times fewer words are easier to digest. And then attempt to go back occasionally to hit the highlights later-on in greater detail. But for now I'll start at the beginning with the single most important and magnificent fact about me:
I am a Texan by birth... and by the grace of God!
I remembered reading that somewhere and I thought it quite appropriate. We Texans tend to be rather enamored with our heritage. But come on, can you blame us? I'm only teasing but it is a major part of who I am today. I am the second oldest, of 4, born to my mother and father. The only girl-I was born to stick out! Part little sister, part big-I was always confused about which role to play. Much of my early life is a blur to me. I'm never sure if I am actually in possession of a memory or have just seen the Polaroid. This haze that covers most of my pre-7 year old life is probably a blessing, as I am told things were difficult. 7 is where I "pick-up" in the story of my life. Recently separated, my mom relocated us from Indiana back to Texas to be closer to her family. If I had to describe this time in my life in a couple of words they would be:
desperately lonely.
It was the first time that I would feel truly alone. And, unfortunately not the last. Alone, I often cried myself to sleep only to awake halfway through the night to find I was still alone. Repeating the process until morning. I think these years changed me. I cannot be sure as, again, I do not remember much from my early days. But, I feel different when I return to my dad, in Indiana, to begin the first of many years spent bouncing back and forth between two worlds. This year is uneventful for me, a good thing, of course. And at its end the hope of a new life and love, for my mom, would call us, literally, across the country to California. I find California strangely inspiring. I say "strangely" because at 9 I'm not sure what I was being inspired to. But inspired I am and things seem to take an oddly positive turn. I begin to write for the first time and develop a love for reading. This is also the last place, in my youth, anyone will tell me I am smart. Ultimately, the positive turn "rights" itself and after the hope of love fails we are on our way back to Texas to, again, be closer to family. If I had to describe this time in my life in a couple of words they would be:
utter confusion.
I am confused because California felt like a tease. I had tasted a life that was "inspiring" only to be left with a life that was, at the time, anything but. Confused because I knew there was a God (I was 99% sure) and I was pretty sure He didn't like me. Although, I am not quite sure what I have done wrong. Returning to Texas is hard. There is, literally, no place for us and we drift. We continue to "drift" for about a year until illness sends us back to Indiana. This stay in the "Hoosier State" is the longest stretch I have experienced in one place, thus far. 4 years of the same friends, the same school, the same church, even the same local library! For the first time, I find comfort in the familiar. Unfortunately, "familiar" is not enough to keep out broken and ultimately these years in Indiana prove to be some of my darkest. For the first time, I contemplate suicide as my life seems hopeless, to me. And, I give away precious pieces of my heart and body at the desperately young age of 13. Again, if I had to describe this time in my life it would be:
hopelessly broken.
15 brought me back to Texas, my final move as a child. I attend 3 different High Schools and barely manage to graduate. These years are marked by my searching for anything and everything that would make me feel loved. But, I want to stop here to backtrack a little. Although I haven't mentioned Him but one time, God has been a theme throughout this whole story. I grew-up in the church, so I knew that the Bible told me He loved me. I just wasn't sure I could believe it. I can remember being so conflicted and really wrestling with this thought. I would stare at the vastness and beauty of the Texas night sky and feel something wonderful. But then look at my life and how tortured my family seemed to be and doubt the love of anyone. Much less a God so far away and invisible. This destructive pattern of distrust would continue to weave its way into everything in my life and is still a struggle for me today. 18 saw me out on my own, truly on my own, for the first time. This is also the year that I am able to recognize the Lord's love for me, in the eyes of one of His followers. And it begins a stirring and questioning within me. If I had to describe these years in a couple of words I'd say:
desperately seeking.
Unfortunately (or fortunately?), it was the next 2 years that proved my undoing. Drunk or high most of the time, many of my memories are, again, hazy. But, I do remember the utter sadness that followed me everywhere I went. I, honestly, think that's what all the drinking and drugs were about. Trying to escape this undertow of hopelessness. I made ruthlessly devastating choices that will forever be with me. But, no matter how hard I tried to outrun or outmaneuver Him, my God found me at 20. At the end of myself for the first (not the last) time I relented. At last, coming to the conclusion that the One I had been desperately searching for was there all along. For years I had been blaming Him and others for the awful state my life was in. But now, well, now I had no one to blame but myself. I looked around acknowledging all of the destruction brought about by my own hand... and I stood convicted.
In late Summer of 2001 I made my final journey from Texas to Indiana, to be with my dad. That morning I awoke with my last hangover and smoked my final cigarette. From that day to this the Lord has removed these addictions from me. Knowing how hard some struggle with these I am forever grateful for the mercy shown me by my God. These years in Indiana are hard fought. "Weeding the bed" of my soul is no easy task and I struggle with understanding why God brought me to a place of such pain. But, His perfect plan includes meeting my husband and repairing something I thought un-repairable: my relationship with my Dad and his family... my family.
In the years since God began His work in me I've fallen more times than I can count. I've wanted to turn back and almost have many times. But, by God's grace, I've continued. It strikes me as funny, now, that the thing that most keeps me "here" (walking with the Lord) is God's love for me. The thing I so doubted and wrestled with as a child is the thing I am the most sure of in life. I want to leave you with a two of verses I am almost sure you've read. Read them again. Believe them again. They are true, friends. And they have changed and saved my life.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God." (John 3:16-17, ESV)
Loving and praying for you all today!
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