I would've been 14 weeks today: My Miscarriage Story
"Daddy?"
This familiar little voice came from down the hall rousing me from my sleep. "Sshhh!" was the automatic response from the other side of the bed, as Andrew slowly rose to tend to our 5 year old daughter. This ritual is repeated sometimes 2 or 3 times a night, interrupting sleep and unsettling any peaceful night we hoped for.
This night, however, the interruption was almost welcomed. I slept-well, I thought to myself. Odd. Turning my phone over I glanced at the time. 4AM. It was officially "the next day". I laid there for a minute reflecting on all that had happened the day before. And before I knew it there were tears escaping my eyes and hitting my pillow. And, as I closed them, I smiled remembering the day this journey began.
Removing the pregnancy test from its package, I felt ridiculous even taking it. There's noway, I kept muttering to myself. It's too soon. Right? I was so sure it would be negative that I didn't even tell anyone what I was doing. After placing the test on the bathroom counter I expected to see the one control line appear but was shocked to find that the PREGNANT line had already begun forming. In disbelief and now shaking I grabbed the other test and quickly took it, also placing it on the counter. The second test confirmed it: I was PREGNANT. I instantly grabbed both tests and rushed down the stairs to find Andrew. I must have looked crazy waving them over my head. "You are NOT going to believe this!", was about all I could manage to say. Slightly stunned he looked at me and smiled. We were going to have another baby!
Well, after the 'dust settled' and we had time to process I would be lying if I said we weren't slightly confused and more than a little overwhelmed. Having just miscarried 4 1/2 weeks earlier we were not prepared for another pregnancy so soon. But we were thrilled. Although, right away I could tell the miscarriage had changed us. We were cautious this time and we decided not to tell many people. But we wanted so badly to believe that this was God's plan for our family. We had struggled with the miscarriage but now we were praising God for this new life. We were cautiously optimistic that we were going to get to bring this precious life into our family.
Of course, by 6 1/2 weeks the usual complications had started. The first 8 weeks of all of my pregnancies have been rocky so we knew what to expect. Still, on the heels of such a recent loss we were on edge. By 7 1/2 weeks I could tell this time around would be different, though. Things seemed more intense and I could feel myself beginning wonder if maybe something wasn't quite right. I prayed for the strength to make it through whatever happened. If we were to lose this baby too I prayed for the grace to walk through it well. After years of health struggles with our daughter I have found myself praying for the grace to handle the hard things well. I don't want to keep looking back on my life wishing I had handled things better. I'm a work in progress.
By 9 weeks most of the major complications had subsided and I began to let myself dream of what life might be like as a mom of 4. Would it be a girl? Would Libby have a sister? Or would it be a third boy and our lives be overcome by Legos and dirt? We dreamed and we were happy. But by just 10 1/2 weeks the complications started again and this time I KNEW something was wrong. This did not fit the pattern of the other pregnancies. And I began to pray. I pleaded with God to allow the baby to live. I begged God to not let Andy's heart break again. At just 9 years old he has such a tender heart and I didn't want him to experience the pain of another loss. I begged God not to let this happen to our family again. "We can't take it", I prayed, "I think it might break us."
The complications continued off and on for another 10 days until I finally realized I needed to call my midwife. She had one opening at 10 that morning. It was 9:30 and I was 30 minutes away. I literally jumped in the car and drove as fast as I could to get to her house. Even though I knew something was wrong I was still hopeful I would hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time, that morning. I chatted nervously with Andrew the entire way there. He had stayed home with our 3 other children so talking on the phone was the next best thing to him being with me. Our conversation was cautiously optimistic as we hoped for the best. Miraculously I arrived only a few minutes late and we went right to the exam room to listen for baby. She tried, for what felt like an hour, to find any traces of a heartbeat but she could not detect baby. "It's OK.", she said, "Sometimes 11+ weeks is just too early for the Doppler." So we scheduled an ultrasound for later in the day.
Andrew was with me for the ultrasound. His sister was in town and was able to come up to watch the kids on such short notice. I tried to prepare myself for the reality of what we might find-out at the appointment. But I don't think you can ever truly prepare yourself for something like that. When your nightmare becomes a reality. Almost as soon as the ultrasound tech placed the wand on my belly I knew something was wrong. She was quiet and focused and Andrew looked concerned. I couldn't bring myself to look at the screen for the first 5 minutes. Finally, I looked over and instead of seeing the form of a 12 week along baby I saw nothing. In the sac that should have held my growing baby was a tiny 6 week developed form without a heartbeat. I was shocked. How could I not know? How could I have felt pregnant for almost 6 weeks after losing the baby? I was dizzy.
We got the informal preliminary diagnosis of "missed miscarriage" and were sent on our way. The rest of the day passed in a fog of overwhelming grief and just as overwhelming peace. These are the days I am the most grateful for my faith. The power of prayer is so real and palpable and I knew we were covered that day. The hardest part was sharing the news with the kids. We had prepared Andy for the possibility of the baby not coming home so I could tell he was not as surprised this time. Still, my heart broke at the thought of my 9 year-old being so familiar with pain and disappointment. Andrew stayed with me the rest of the day. The thought of being apart on such a day was unbearable to me. We talked. I cried. We were one. And as the day turned into night I was filled with gratitude for all that God had given me. I was grieving, yes. But I was alive. Truly alive. Free from the consequences of my sin and secure in the love and grace of a God who cares deeply for me.
A lot has happened since that day. It has only been 2 weeks but God is moving and speaking and for that I am grateful. I wrote the majority of this post just 1 day after it occurred. I wanted my thoughts and emotions to be honest. I have waited to post it, however because I am still wading through the reality of what happened. God has been so gracious and merciful to us through it all. He is near.
I want to leave you with the Words my God had for me and ask you for prayer this time. Please pray that we would continue to seek our Lord for comfort and guidance. And that the Lord would continue to surround us with His peace.
Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
Even when I walk through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.
You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
Surely your goodness and unfailing love
will pursue me all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the LORD forever.
Loving and praying for you all, as well, today!
This familiar little voice came from down the hall rousing me from my sleep. "Sshhh!" was the automatic response from the other side of the bed, as Andrew slowly rose to tend to our 5 year old daughter. This ritual is repeated sometimes 2 or 3 times a night, interrupting sleep and unsettling any peaceful night we hoped for.
This night, however, the interruption was almost welcomed. I slept-well, I thought to myself. Odd. Turning my phone over I glanced at the time. 4AM. It was officially "the next day". I laid there for a minute reflecting on all that had happened the day before. And before I knew it there were tears escaping my eyes and hitting my pillow. And, as I closed them, I smiled remembering the day this journey began.
Removing the pregnancy test from its package, I felt ridiculous even taking it. There's noway, I kept muttering to myself. It's too soon. Right? I was so sure it would be negative that I didn't even tell anyone what I was doing. After placing the test on the bathroom counter I expected to see the one control line appear but was shocked to find that the PREGNANT line had already begun forming. In disbelief and now shaking I grabbed the other test and quickly took it, also placing it on the counter. The second test confirmed it: I was PREGNANT. I instantly grabbed both tests and rushed down the stairs to find Andrew. I must have looked crazy waving them over my head. "You are NOT going to believe this!", was about all I could manage to say. Slightly stunned he looked at me and smiled. We were going to have another baby!
Well, after the 'dust settled' and we had time to process I would be lying if I said we weren't slightly confused and more than a little overwhelmed. Having just miscarried 4 1/2 weeks earlier we were not prepared for another pregnancy so soon. But we were thrilled. Although, right away I could tell the miscarriage had changed us. We were cautious this time and we decided not to tell many people. But we wanted so badly to believe that this was God's plan for our family. We had struggled with the miscarriage but now we were praising God for this new life. We were cautiously optimistic that we were going to get to bring this precious life into our family.
Of course, by 6 1/2 weeks the usual complications had started. The first 8 weeks of all of my pregnancies have been rocky so we knew what to expect. Still, on the heels of such a recent loss we were on edge. By 7 1/2 weeks I could tell this time around would be different, though. Things seemed more intense and I could feel myself beginning wonder if maybe something wasn't quite right. I prayed for the strength to make it through whatever happened. If we were to lose this baby too I prayed for the grace to walk through it well. After years of health struggles with our daughter I have found myself praying for the grace to handle the hard things well. I don't want to keep looking back on my life wishing I had handled things better. I'm a work in progress.
By 9 weeks most of the major complications had subsided and I began to let myself dream of what life might be like as a mom of 4. Would it be a girl? Would Libby have a sister? Or would it be a third boy and our lives be overcome by Legos and dirt? We dreamed and we were happy. But by just 10 1/2 weeks the complications started again and this time I KNEW something was wrong. This did not fit the pattern of the other pregnancies. And I began to pray. I pleaded with God to allow the baby to live. I begged God to not let Andy's heart break again. At just 9 years old he has such a tender heart and I didn't want him to experience the pain of another loss. I begged God not to let this happen to our family again. "We can't take it", I prayed, "I think it might break us."
The complications continued off and on for another 10 days until I finally realized I needed to call my midwife. She had one opening at 10 that morning. It was 9:30 and I was 30 minutes away. I literally jumped in the car and drove as fast as I could to get to her house. Even though I knew something was wrong I was still hopeful I would hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time, that morning. I chatted nervously with Andrew the entire way there. He had stayed home with our 3 other children so talking on the phone was the next best thing to him being with me. Our conversation was cautiously optimistic as we hoped for the best. Miraculously I arrived only a few minutes late and we went right to the exam room to listen for baby. She tried, for what felt like an hour, to find any traces of a heartbeat but she could not detect baby. "It's OK.", she said, "Sometimes 11+ weeks is just too early for the Doppler." So we scheduled an ultrasound for later in the day.
Andrew was with me for the ultrasound. His sister was in town and was able to come up to watch the kids on such short notice. I tried to prepare myself for the reality of what we might find-out at the appointment. But I don't think you can ever truly prepare yourself for something like that. When your nightmare becomes a reality. Almost as soon as the ultrasound tech placed the wand on my belly I knew something was wrong. She was quiet and focused and Andrew looked concerned. I couldn't bring myself to look at the screen for the first 5 minutes. Finally, I looked over and instead of seeing the form of a 12 week along baby I saw nothing. In the sac that should have held my growing baby was a tiny 6 week developed form without a heartbeat. I was shocked. How could I not know? How could I have felt pregnant for almost 6 weeks after losing the baby? I was dizzy.
We got the informal preliminary diagnosis of "missed miscarriage" and were sent on our way. The rest of the day passed in a fog of overwhelming grief and just as overwhelming peace. These are the days I am the most grateful for my faith. The power of prayer is so real and palpable and I knew we were covered that day. The hardest part was sharing the news with the kids. We had prepared Andy for the possibility of the baby not coming home so I could tell he was not as surprised this time. Still, my heart broke at the thought of my 9 year-old being so familiar with pain and disappointment. Andrew stayed with me the rest of the day. The thought of being apart on such a day was unbearable to me. We talked. I cried. We were one. And as the day turned into night I was filled with gratitude for all that God had given me. I was grieving, yes. But I was alive. Truly alive. Free from the consequences of my sin and secure in the love and grace of a God who cares deeply for me.
A lot has happened since that day. It has only been 2 weeks but God is moving and speaking and for that I am grateful. I wrote the majority of this post just 1 day after it occurred. I wanted my thoughts and emotions to be honest. I have waited to post it, however because I am still wading through the reality of what happened. God has been so gracious and merciful to us through it all. He is near.
I want to leave you with the Words my God had for me and ask you for prayer this time. Please pray that we would continue to seek our Lord for comfort and guidance. And that the Lord would continue to surround us with His peace.
Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
Even when I walk through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.
You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
Surely your goodness and unfailing love
will pursue me all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the LORD forever.
Loving and praying for you all, as well, today!
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