When suffering is long: MY UNEXPECTED HEALING STORY
As we entered year 3 of our daughter's chronic illness we were weary and healing had not come. The nights were long from her constant waking and the days were a blur of medicines and at-home treatments. It was here-in this time of hopelessness-that I received my rescue. It did not come in the form I had prayed for. My daughter was not cured and our lives were not returned to "normal". To this day we still struggle with her illness and are often exhausted from days and nights spent helping her. But something else has changed. I've changed. And it was the Lord Who changed me. You see, what I did not understand was that often the best and most necessary healings are not physical. And, for me, it took one of the hardest days of my life-the day when my very best was not even close to enough-to see and experience this healing. One Monday in March I came to the end of myself and finally began to live again...
I woke-up determined that morning. Determined to be "that" mom. I got my kids dressed, got one off to co-op, and took the other 2 to play at an indoor playground. Taking into account my daughter's health issues I had brought along breakfast and other medical provisions for such an outing. Sure, I was burned-out. "Running on fumes" spiritually, emotionally, and physically but I was determined to not let that stop me from being normal. I was going to will my life good, again. I was convinced that if I just tried hard enough; worked smart enough-I would finally be enough. After a year of feeling like a failure at life I was going to finally "snap out of it" and things would be better. But then my plan failed. My daughter would not eat and my 2 year-old son would not wait. We went to the indoor playground but they did not allow snacking. My kids played but my daughter had not eaten enough and her health did not hold-up. We managed to get them to allow us to go snack in the car but again my daughter would not eat and my son would not wait. And so there I sat-defeated and crying in my car. My attempt at "normal" and "competent" ended in utter failure.
I was already down so being kicked was soul crushing. For so many months I had not even tried for normal-not wanting to get my hopes up. And now, well now this defeat would prove to be my undoing. The drive home was a blur through my tears. It felt like I was broken-for good this time. The rest of the day passed as it usually did. We fought with our daughter to eat. We fought with our sons to wait patiently, as we fought with our daughter to eat. We fought with each other because, well I'm never really sure what we fought about. We mostly just wanted to yell at someone and the only other adult in the house was the safest target. And by the time I crawled into bed that night I was hopeless. I remember looking up to where the vaulted ceiling in our bedroom peaks and thinking, That's the end of me. I have gone as far as I can go. And then finally I prayed. "Lord. Help me. I can't do this. There's just not enough of me. How am I supposed to do this? How do I get up in the morning and do it all again?" And as if He'd been waiting for this moment-as if it were his 'cue'- I felt my God speak.
"More of Me.", were his words. "How", was my question. "I will show you.", His response. "Do you promise?", I felt my soul saying, "Because I can't do it alone anymore.". Instantly a scripture came to mind and I knew it was from Him.
Within two days of my starting-and finishing-this book, my heart was changed. The Lord used Tozer's words to awaken within me a renewed passion for Himself and His Word. I found myself calling out to God each time I was overwhelmed by my circumstances and discovered a peace and strength that I had previously lacked. Not because I was somehow stronger or more resilient but because I was now relying on my God's strength and not my own. I sensed my Lord's presence like never before. He literally felt a breath away. In the days and weeks that followed, my God was unbelievably near. I began to truly smile, again. I began to hope, again. Our home began to come to life, again. And friends, I began to heal.
As I said at the beginning of this post, we did not get the healing we had hoped and prayed for. Our daughter still struggles with her illness and our family still struggles not to be defined by it. I am often exhausted and still get weary on especially hard days. I fight against jealousy and self-pity and still occasionally wonder "why us". I still yell too often and lose my patience more than I should. And yet-I am different. I have walked some of the most difficult road of my life in the past 4 months and yet, by the grace of God-I'm still here. The Lord has sustained us and continues to be near. And friends, that is everything.
Today, I want to leave you with the Words my God had for me as translated in the Message by Eugene Peterson:
I woke-up determined that morning. Determined to be "that" mom. I got my kids dressed, got one off to co-op, and took the other 2 to play at an indoor playground. Taking into account my daughter's health issues I had brought along breakfast and other medical provisions for such an outing. Sure, I was burned-out. "Running on fumes" spiritually, emotionally, and physically but I was determined to not let that stop me from being normal. I was going to will my life good, again. I was convinced that if I just tried hard enough; worked smart enough-I would finally be enough. After a year of feeling like a failure at life I was going to finally "snap out of it" and things would be better. But then my plan failed. My daughter would not eat and my 2 year-old son would not wait. We went to the indoor playground but they did not allow snacking. My kids played but my daughter had not eaten enough and her health did not hold-up. We managed to get them to allow us to go snack in the car but again my daughter would not eat and my son would not wait. And so there I sat-defeated and crying in my car. My attempt at "normal" and "competent" ended in utter failure.
I was already down so being kicked was soul crushing. For so many months I had not even tried for normal-not wanting to get my hopes up. And now, well now this defeat would prove to be my undoing. The drive home was a blur through my tears. It felt like I was broken-for good this time. The rest of the day passed as it usually did. We fought with our daughter to eat. We fought with our sons to wait patiently, as we fought with our daughter to eat. We fought with each other because, well I'm never really sure what we fought about. We mostly just wanted to yell at someone and the only other adult in the house was the safest target. And by the time I crawled into bed that night I was hopeless. I remember looking up to where the vaulted ceiling in our bedroom peaks and thinking, That's the end of me. I have gone as far as I can go. And then finally I prayed. "Lord. Help me. I can't do this. There's just not enough of me. How am I supposed to do this? How do I get up in the morning and do it all again?" And as if He'd been waiting for this moment-as if it were his 'cue'- I felt my God speak.
"More of Me.", were his words. "How", was my question. "I will show you.", His response. "Do you promise?", I felt my soul saying, "Because I can't do it alone anymore.". Instantly a scripture came to mind and I knew it was from Him.
For I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither fears for today nor worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39 NLT)And in that moment-I had hope. The next morning God's promises were on my mind as I made my way to the spot where I had previously spent so much time with my Lord. I would often pray and read and praise Him for over an hour. Although, now that felt like another life. And I just sat. I waited expectantly for the Lord and, friends, He met me there. After reading a section of my Bible I looked at my bookshelf for a book I had been meaning to read. As I went to grab it I felt the Lord say to me that I needed to pick-up the book just below it. Skeptical of why God would care about which I book I read, I picked the book I had originally reached for. As if with urgency now, I felt the strong desire to at least look at the book I had felt so strangely drawn to. As I picked up, "The Crucified Life" by A.W. Tozer, I knew this was the book my Lord was leading me to. And friends, the Lord began speaking to my heart the moment I began reading.
Within two days of my starting-and finishing-this book, my heart was changed. The Lord used Tozer's words to awaken within me a renewed passion for Himself and His Word. I found myself calling out to God each time I was overwhelmed by my circumstances and discovered a peace and strength that I had previously lacked. Not because I was somehow stronger or more resilient but because I was now relying on my God's strength and not my own. I sensed my Lord's presence like never before. He literally felt a breath away. In the days and weeks that followed, my God was unbelievably near. I began to truly smile, again. I began to hope, again. Our home began to come to life, again. And friends, I began to heal.
As I said at the beginning of this post, we did not get the healing we had hoped and prayed for. Our daughter still struggles with her illness and our family still struggles not to be defined by it. I am often exhausted and still get weary on especially hard days. I fight against jealousy and self-pity and still occasionally wonder "why us". I still yell too often and lose my patience more than I should. And yet-I am different. I have walked some of the most difficult road of my life in the past 4 months and yet, by the grace of God-I'm still here. The Lord has sustained us and continues to be near. And friends, that is everything.
Today, I want to leave you with the Words my God had for me as translated in the Message by Eugene Peterson:
Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in scripture... None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing-nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable-absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us. (Romans 8:38-39, in part, The Message)Loving and praying for you all, today!
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