The song that saved my life: MY SALVATION STORY
Staring out my window yesterday morning I was filled with awe and gratitude. Awe at just how amazing God is and gratitude for all that He has done for me. His love and grace have completely changed my life. You see, there was a time when a beautiful morning was anything but welcome. Life seemed hopeless and each day held no promise. I felt lost and alone with no direction or purpose. Closing my eyes I can still feel how lost I was that early July morning-15 years ago. The morning I took my first steps on this journey of faith...
I inhaled one last time and then extinguished the cigarette. That's it, I thought. The very last one. The automatic doors opened again and I stepped back inside. The bustle of the airport could not dislodge the knot in the pit of my stomach. Slipping through the pre 9-11 airport security it only took a few minutes to find my gate. Indianapolis, IN read the sign indicating our destination. I must be crazy, I thought to myself. And with one last: Here goes nothing... I boarded the plane.
Nervous did not begin to describe my state at the time. Indiana was well known to me, of course. But we did not have what you would call a "friendly" relationship. I had made this exact journey-only in reverse-5 1/2 years before. And we left on less than amicable terms. So, making a return trip to live with the same family-my family-felt sort of like going to prison. I was unsure, to say the least! And, as is usually the case when I am feeling particularly unsocial, I was seated between 2 especially enthusiastic Mary Kay sales women-fresh off their yearly conference! I am almost certain this is God's doing as these women proceed to talk the entire 2 hour flight leaving me amused and slightly exhausted. But, surprisingly no longer nervous. If these two complete strangers could accept me in the state I was in, maybe my family could too. And, as the plane touched down I could feel hope begin to creep in. Maybe this would be the beginning of a new life...
Well, Indiana was pretty much just as I remembered. Although, I can't say I remember it being as humid in the 90's. Regardless, the "middle of nowhere" would have been an appropriate description. Which was fine with me. I had tasted the: clubbing all-night, drunk before noon, waking-up wondering how you even got home-life and I was done with it. This change, no matter how hard, was a welcome one. After years of running from God I was finally giving him a chance. That's what this whole change was about! Could God really change my life? Could I really experience peace? Could anything ever really be different? I had to find-out. Because, life the way I had chosen it, was unlivable.
I can't say that I settled-in to my new life right away. Although, the Lord did take all desire to drink and a 7 year addiction to nicotine, from me. The rest of it didn't come as easily. I continued to struggle with trusting the Lord. And, it often felt like I was a square peg attempting to fit into a round hole; like I just couldn't fit. I still cussed and lost my temper-often. I "lusted" after guys and thought about them far too much. I owned and wore inappropriate clothing and couldn't care less about what people thought of me. And, I'm pretty sure I never once identified as a Christian. But something was beginning to stir inside me. With each objection to this new life came an incredibly loving and generous answer. For example, I would often say to God: "I can't live with people like this (Christians). They'll never accept me!" Until one day I was introduced to (my now sister-in-law,) Christy. To me she was the ultimate Christian. She attended an extremely conservative Christian university, wore appropriate clothing, I was pretty sure had never cussed, and was kind to everyone she met. But you know what? She accepted me. She was kind to me. Never once flinching or recoiling when I told her bits and pieces of my story. She even invited me to lunch at her home which was huge to me. Her friendship was one of the first experiences of Christ's love for me-that I would have and I was changed by it.
And yet-I struggled. I could not get over just how much bad I had done. No matter how hard I tried I could never get "right with God". I kept coming back to my sin. The abortion. The drinking. The drugs. The sexual relationships; the list could go on. And as if the "scales had tipped" in favor of my guilt, it always ended with me backing away from God in shame. It was a miserably, desperate existence. Knowing what I wanted-what I needed-but not knowing how to get it. Until one day, a friend left one of his CD's in my case. I had left it playing in the background when one song caught my attention. It reminded me of an old hymn we used to sing in church growing up. "I Surrender All", was the chorus. This song, however was slightly different. Sung by the Newsboys, it was no hymn but with words just as poignant. And toward the very end of the song came the words that would finally set me free:
"He doesn't love us cause of who we are.
He only loves us cause of who He is."
I just kept listening to these words over and over as if unable to grasp how simple the truth in them! My God loved me. Not because of all that I had done-as if I could earn it. In fact, He loved me in spite of all the bad I had done. Because His love has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him! He created me. He thought of me before I was even conceived. He sent His Son to die for me so that I could have a relationship with Him-in spite of everything I had done. All I had to do was accept this gift of sacrifice that is Jesus Christ. I could not earn it. Which also means-He would not deny me. Once I had accepted the gift of Christ's sacrifice for me I never need back away in shame again. And friends, let me tell you, my life changed in that instant. I was, and still am, a work in progress. But in that instant I experienced true joy, for the first time. The joy and freedom and peace that only come from a right relationship with God.
I want to leave you with the lyrics from one of my favorite songs by David Crowder. Too often I forget just how amazing this grace that I live in really is. I am truly forgiven and free and that should cause me to fall on my knees in gratitude, daily.
Fall on your knees
Forgiven and clean
Forgiven and free
Oh, my God, oh, my God
It's too wonderful
It's too wonderful
To feel this grace rescuing
Lifting us up, washing our feet
Oh, my God, oh, my God
It's too wonderful
It's too wonderful
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works so that no one can boast. (Ephesians 2:8-9)
Loving and praying for you all today!
I inhaled one last time and then extinguished the cigarette. That's it, I thought. The very last one. The automatic doors opened again and I stepped back inside. The bustle of the airport could not dislodge the knot in the pit of my stomach. Slipping through the pre 9-11 airport security it only took a few minutes to find my gate. Indianapolis, IN read the sign indicating our destination. I must be crazy, I thought to myself. And with one last: Here goes nothing... I boarded the plane.
Nervous did not begin to describe my state at the time. Indiana was well known to me, of course. But we did not have what you would call a "friendly" relationship. I had made this exact journey-only in reverse-5 1/2 years before. And we left on less than amicable terms. So, making a return trip to live with the same family-my family-felt sort of like going to prison. I was unsure, to say the least! And, as is usually the case when I am feeling particularly unsocial, I was seated between 2 especially enthusiastic Mary Kay sales women-fresh off their yearly conference! I am almost certain this is God's doing as these women proceed to talk the entire 2 hour flight leaving me amused and slightly exhausted. But, surprisingly no longer nervous. If these two complete strangers could accept me in the state I was in, maybe my family could too. And, as the plane touched down I could feel hope begin to creep in. Maybe this would be the beginning of a new life...
Well, Indiana was pretty much just as I remembered. Although, I can't say I remember it being as humid in the 90's. Regardless, the "middle of nowhere" would have been an appropriate description. Which was fine with me. I had tasted the: clubbing all-night, drunk before noon, waking-up wondering how you even got home-life and I was done with it. This change, no matter how hard, was a welcome one. After years of running from God I was finally giving him a chance. That's what this whole change was about! Could God really change my life? Could I really experience peace? Could anything ever really be different? I had to find-out. Because, life the way I had chosen it, was unlivable.
I can't say that I settled-in to my new life right away. Although, the Lord did take all desire to drink and a 7 year addiction to nicotine, from me. The rest of it didn't come as easily. I continued to struggle with trusting the Lord. And, it often felt like I was a square peg attempting to fit into a round hole; like I just couldn't fit. I still cussed and lost my temper-often. I "lusted" after guys and thought about them far too much. I owned and wore inappropriate clothing and couldn't care less about what people thought of me. And, I'm pretty sure I never once identified as a Christian. But something was beginning to stir inside me. With each objection to this new life came an incredibly loving and generous answer. For example, I would often say to God: "I can't live with people like this (Christians). They'll never accept me!" Until one day I was introduced to (my now sister-in-law,) Christy. To me she was the ultimate Christian. She attended an extremely conservative Christian university, wore appropriate clothing, I was pretty sure had never cussed, and was kind to everyone she met. But you know what? She accepted me. She was kind to me. Never once flinching or recoiling when I told her bits and pieces of my story. She even invited me to lunch at her home which was huge to me. Her friendship was one of the first experiences of Christ's love for me-that I would have and I was changed by it.
And yet-I struggled. I could not get over just how much bad I had done. No matter how hard I tried I could never get "right with God". I kept coming back to my sin. The abortion. The drinking. The drugs. The sexual relationships; the list could go on. And as if the "scales had tipped" in favor of my guilt, it always ended with me backing away from God in shame. It was a miserably, desperate existence. Knowing what I wanted-what I needed-but not knowing how to get it. Until one day, a friend left one of his CD's in my case. I had left it playing in the background when one song caught my attention. It reminded me of an old hymn we used to sing in church growing up. "I Surrender All", was the chorus. This song, however was slightly different. Sung by the Newsboys, it was no hymn but with words just as poignant. And toward the very end of the song came the words that would finally set me free:
"He doesn't love us cause of who we are.
He only loves us cause of who He is."
I just kept listening to these words over and over as if unable to grasp how simple the truth in them! My God loved me. Not because of all that I had done-as if I could earn it. In fact, He loved me in spite of all the bad I had done. Because His love has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him! He created me. He thought of me before I was even conceived. He sent His Son to die for me so that I could have a relationship with Him-in spite of everything I had done. All I had to do was accept this gift of sacrifice that is Jesus Christ. I could not earn it. Which also means-He would not deny me. Once I had accepted the gift of Christ's sacrifice for me I never need back away in shame again. And friends, let me tell you, my life changed in that instant. I was, and still am, a work in progress. But in that instant I experienced true joy, for the first time. The joy and freedom and peace that only come from a right relationship with God.
I want to leave you with the lyrics from one of my favorite songs by David Crowder. Too often I forget just how amazing this grace that I live in really is. I am truly forgiven and free and that should cause me to fall on my knees in gratitude, daily.
Fall on your knees
Forgiven and clean
Forgiven and free
Oh, my God, oh, my God
It's too wonderful
It's too wonderful
To feel this grace rescuing
Lifting us up, washing our feet
Oh, my God, oh, my God
It's too wonderful
It's too wonderful
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works so that no one can boast. (Ephesians 2:8-9)
Loving and praying for you all today!
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